What Would I Do Without You?
by exiled mind
Summary: Kink meme fill.  Jim's self-inflicted sex injury requires treatment from Bones. No, that wasn't a euphemism, sadly. Cracky sort of premise with a touch of h/c and romance thrown in for good measure.


**Prompt:** _"True love is when a guy helps you sew up your torn asshole." Let's have this with Kirk/McCoy. Find a way to make it fluffy, and you will be my new god._  
**Warning:** Ridiculous fill is ridiculous *facepalm* Also, uhm, self-inflicted sex injuries and Jim high on painkillers while Bones fixes him up.  
**A/N:** I don't even know, people. I can't even tell you why this prompt wouldn't leave my head even after I'd scrolled waaaay past it on the kink meme. I couldn't resist. I have no excuse. I don't even know whether to call this crack or not. *shrug*

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**What Would I Do Without You?**

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"True love is when a guy helps you sew up your torn asshole." Jim Kirk's voice was muffled by the pillow into which he was planted face-first, but Leonard McCoy could still tell his slurred words were uttered in a sing-song tone. He'd perhaps been a little heavy-handed with the painkillers.

You could hardly blame him, though, considering he'd arrived back at their temporary shoreleave quarters a day early from his week-long conference expecting to spend the afternoon making up for lost time with his lover and instead walked in to find him curled up in a pained ball, moaning and bleeding.

Fucking hell.

″I'm not going to use anything as barbaric as a needle and thread, Jim, for crying out loud.″ Leonard rolled his eyes and reached up to gently angle Jim's head to the side. He didn't want to go to all the trouble of patching the idiot back up only to have him smother himself to death.

Besides, it didn't look very comfortable.

″Did you intentionally try to find the biggest dildo on the planet, Jim? As well as the most difficult position imaginable?″ Leonard paused, thoughtful, and added, ″I thought I burned your copy of the Orion _Kama Sutra_.″

″You're exaggerating, Bones. That wasn't anywhere _near_ the largest one they had in the catalog and the bar stool was almost the right height. An' I was just sorta riding it a bit, trying to use gravity to my advantage, and all, when-″ Jim's explanation was cut short when he was overtaken by a jaw-cracking yawn. ″Anyways, I woulda been fine if I hadn't still been a little dizzy from that last sparring match with Sulu this morning and lost my balance.″

Leonard froze in the middle of calibrating the dermal regenerator for another pass. ″What?″

″Oh, it's nothing. Just had a little 'incident' when he tried to show me a new move and I fell and hit my head.″ Even in his hazy, drugged state, Jim apparently recalled that silence was most definitely _not_ a good sign where Leonard McCoy was concerned and hastened to add, ″Only a little, though.″

″Only a-″ Leonard cut himself off with a flurry of furious mutterings as he placed the dermal regenerator aside and picked up his tricorder, moving to Jim's head and beginning to run a scan.

Silence reigned for several moments and Jim took that opportunity to let let his eyes flutter shut. As the tricorder signaled the end of its scan, Leonard heard Jim begin to hum softly. It sounded like 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.'

Definitely a bit heavy on the drugs.

The humming ceased when Leonard read the findings and squawked. ″You have a mild concussion, you idiot!″

″Concussion?″ Jim's forehead wrinkled in thought. ″Huh. Go figure.″

″Christ, Jim! Not only didn't you seek treatment for your _head injury_, but you also felt that today would be a good time to try out some sexual gymnastics with that ridiculously-sized-″ Leonard didn't even have a word adequate for the imposing-looking dildo he'd kicked under the bed as he helped drag Jim up off the floor and lay him out onto the sheets. ″Thing,″ he finished, ineloquently. It was a wonder Jim only had a few relatively minor tears, really, considering the beast he'd been playing with. ″What the hell were you thinking?″

Jim was quiet for a moment, and when his answer came it was uncharacteristically somber. ″I was thinking that I missed you, and didn't really feel like finding some stranger in a bar, so I figured I'd do something to pass the time, remind me of you. Didn't expect it to turn out this badly, though.″ Jim lifted up onto his arms and twisted his head around to survey himself and shuddered slightly. ″Not as young as I used to be, I guess.″

Leonard pushed him back down into the sheets and picked up the regenerator once again. Though he planned on lecturing Jim - _extensively_ - on the proper selection and use of sex toys, as well as his tendency towards injury in general, he figured that the lesson was more than half-learned already and the rest could be saved for when the man wasn't high on happy juice.

Time to lighten the mood a bit.

″Why the hell did you choose that one, anyways? Not that I don't appreciate your unrealistically high opinion of me, Jim, but you've got to be fucking kidding me.″ He began passing the regenerator over Jim's ass and tutted sympathetically when the other man startled at the tingling sensation on sensitive tissue.

Jim's only answer was a snort and from the corner of his eye Leonard could see the soft, sappy smile that spread across Jim's face.

Fifteen minutes later when Leonard had finished repairing Jim's ass, rescanned his head just in case, and performed some preliminary clean up, he crawled into bed beside his prone lover and pulled the sheet over them both.

Jim cracked one eye open to look at Bones and offered a smile. ″I'm glad you came back early.″

″Me too.″

″I knew you'd be able to fix me up. You'll always fix me, won't you, Bones?″

Leonard thought of all the injuries and close-calls Jim had endured over the past eight years and shuddered, scooting closer to Jim and wrapping his arms around him. ″I wouldn't be so sure of that if I were you, Jim.″

Jim sighed happily against Leonard's neck. ″I am sure, though. I'm always sure of you, Bones.″

Leonard couldn't resist the wave of warmth that spread through him, or the stupid grin that he could feel pulling at the corners of his mouth. ″Go to sleep, Jim.″

″Mmm. Okay. You too, Bones. Love you.″

″I love you, too, kid,″


End file.
